Life update: I have a boyfriend I’m in love with, I’m trying to forgive myself as well as others, and I’m moving real soon!
Approaching 8 month mark self harm free :)
So I want to say something to you guys. I want remind you that you are so much better than all the people who have ever hurt, abused, mistreated, or abandoned you. You are better than their self-absorption, their perverseness, and their vindictiveness. You are better than those that seek to cause pain in others. Perhaps you’ve been that person before. But your present self can be different. Don’t let hatred poison you. Don’t think that to beat the bully you must become the bully. Do not fight fire with fire. Let it be. Think. Breathe. Forgive. Realize that you are above it all. You are a lion surrounded by pestering flies. Swat them away, brush it off. They are beneath you. They don’t deserve to elicit a reaction from you. They don’t deserve you at all.
You deserve to be treated in a way that shows you how greatly you matter. You deserve love, respect, and kindness. Don’t ever settle for any less. And don’t fall into the ways of those who try to tell you otherwise.
YOU ARE BETTER THAN YOUR GREATEST DEMONS.
Yes, I can relate.
For myself(I’m not sure about you), it wasn’t so much that I didn’t want to get better it was more like I didn’t know how or if it was even possible. I was unsure/scared of the unknown and what it would be like to actually “recover”. I, like many others suffering from mental illnesses, became comfortable in my depression/self injurious habits. I started to identify myself with them. And if I know longer had them, I wouldn’t know who I was or what I would be like.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be happy, it’s just I didn’t know if I could get there and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to because I didn’t trust it. It never lasted for me. It wasn’t who I was. I needed self injury.
But I have come to realize that your diagnose does not define you in any way, shape, or form. You are you, despite your afflictions or problems. You don’t need self harm. You don’t need depression. You don’t need eating disorders. You don’t need any mental illnesses. And they will never become you.
Deciding that you want help is the first step to recovery. It’s a really hard step, but it’s the most important. You said it yourself, you hate being so “messed up”. First of all, you’re not messed up, dear, not at all. You’re just struggling. And it’s possible for you to overcome that struggle. You have to decide you want to though. You cannot win a battle if you’re not determined to fight.
Something I learned while I was away has really come to help me in my recovery: Although depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain (not an attitude you can change), it is still possible to manage it and to not let it control you. For a really long time I thought I couldn’t do anything about my depression, I thought it was in control. I was personifing it. As it my mental illness had somehow become this celestiel being that was controlling me. However, that was not the case. Despite the fact depression is, in fact, something you can not ultimately get rid of on your own account, there are still things you can do to lessen the impact. You have to fight depression. When it’s telling you your worthless, you talk back, repeat to yourself that you are important, becauses you are. When the little voice in your head says that you can never get better, tell it to shut up.
Like you said, you’re only 14. You have so much life yet to live! Don’t let this ruin you, don’t let this kill you. Because you can survive, and you can overcome this. But you have to want it, and you have to believe you can.
Best of luck.