Yes, I can relate.
For myself(I’m not sure about you), it wasn’t so much that I didn’t want to get better it was more like I didn’t know how or if it was even possible. I was unsure/scared of the unknown and what it would be like to actually “recover”. I, like many others suffering from mental illnesses, became comfortable in my depression/self injurious habits. I started to identify myself with them. And if I know longer had them, I wouldn’t know who I was or what I would be like.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be happy, it’s just I didn’t know if I could get there and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to because I didn’t trust it. It never lasted for me. It wasn’t who I was. I needed self injury.
But I have come to realize that your diagnose does not define you in any way, shape, or form. You are you, despite your afflictions or problems. You don’t need self harm. You don’t need depression. You don’t need eating disorders. You don’t need any mental illnesses. And they will never become you.
Deciding that you want help is the first step to recovery. It’s a really hard step, but it’s the most important. You said it yourself, you hate being so “messed up”. First of all, you’re not messed up, dear, not at all. You’re just struggling. And it’s possible for you to overcome that struggle. You have to decide you want to though. You cannot win a battle if you’re not determined to fight.
Something I learned while I was away has really come to help me in my recovery: Although depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain (not an attitude you can change), it is still possible to manage it and to not let it control you. For a really long time I thought I couldn’t do anything about my depression, I thought it was in control. I was personifing it. As it my mental illness had somehow become this celestiel being that was controlling me. However, that was not the case. Despite the fact depression is, in fact, something you can not ultimately get rid of on your own account, there are still things you can do to lessen the impact. You have to fight depression. When it’s telling you your worthless, you talk back, repeat to yourself that you are important, becauses you are. When the little voice in your head says that you can never get better, tell it to shut up.
Like you said, you’re only 14. You have so much life yet to live! Don’t let this ruin you, don’t let this kill you. Because you can survive, and you can overcome this. But you have to want it, and you have to believe you can.
Best of luck.
If you’re looking for a sign not to cut,
this is it.
If you’re looking for a sign not to starve,
this is it.
If you’re looking for a sign not to kill yourself, this is it.
If you’re looking for a sign not to hurt yourself in any way,
that’s what you’re reading.
I love you, and you deserve to live and be happy. Please do so.
I remember a little while ago (months ago, actually…) you had a bunch of activities for feeling better. The one I remember in particular was a link to an activity where you put glitter and liquid in a jar, and when you were feeling stressed you shook it up and watched it to calm down. Well, I was thinking earlier and realised that I really wanted to try it, but then I came on here and had no idea how to find it… If you still have the link, please could I have it?
Cheers, Lexie Xxx
P.S., Thanks for running this blog, I can’t tell you how many times it has saved me over the past year and a half :) Xxx
Happy 2013 :) May it be a year of recovery and love. —C